Funny Quotes / Joke Quotes

You know you live in hick-ville when the jackolantern has more teeth then all your neighbors!

Why do they teach us algebra? Only pirates need to know how to find X!

I am WONDER WOMAN … I wonder where I left my keys, I wonder how I put on weight, I wonder where my money went, I often wonder why I wonder.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and the wall just gets in the way.

Pshhhh I did not fall… The floor looked at me funny so I used my mad ninja skills to attack

3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

Robin Hood was a thief, Mario gets high off of Mushrooms, Snow White lived with 7 men, Sleeping Beauty always slept in, and our parents wonder why WE are bad!

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. -
Lucille Ball

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. -Agatha Christie

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. -Rodney Dangerfield

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.-
Friedrich Nietzsche

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.- Bob Hope

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.- Woody Allen

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.- Winston Churchill

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.-Mae West

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.- Emo Philips

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.- Albert Einstein

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.- Earl Wilson

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.- Jack Handey

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac- George Carlin

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. -Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine. -Tommy Cooper

 

Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. -
Ani Difranco

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.

I didn’t lose my mind, I sold it on ebay.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool – Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep
– not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky…
&& I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

I don’t skinny dip I CHUNKY DUNK

Thank-you for visiting reality, come again……….. Now entering your life, welcome

Consciousness- that annoying time between naps

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Ex-lovers make great speed bumps!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

I’m a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating

Some days it not even worth Chewing through the restraints

Better to have loved and lost than to live with the
psycho the rest of your life

I live in my own little world But it’s ok they know me here

Even if the voices are not real they have some pretty good ideas

I didn’t say it was your FAULT I said I was going to BLAME YOU

Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

If you can’t fix it with duck tape you haven’t used enough

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.